"What if God had an answering machine?"

This what if inspired me to head on over to the wonderful world of Google. Although this is extremely cheesy (I did NOT write it), I thought it was funny. The end is the best, for sure!

Thank you for calling My Father's House.

Please select one of the following four options:
Press 1 for requests.
Press 2 for thanksgiving.
Press 3 for complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

If you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1.
For Michael, press 2.
For any other angel, press 3."
"If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6."
"To find out if your relative is here, enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that follows."
"For reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-o-h-n followed by the number 3-1-6."
"Answers to nagging questions about the age of the earth and where Noah's ark is, wait until you get here!"
"Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately." "This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again Monday."
End of message.

You only need to ring once and God hears you. Because of Jesus, you never get a busy signal. God takes each call and knows each caller personally.

Emergency Phone Numbers:
When in sorrow, call John 14.
When men fail you, call Psalm 27.
If you want to be fruitful, call John 15.
When you have sinned, call Psalm 51.
When you worry, call Matthew 6:19-34.
When you are in danger, call Psalm 91.
When God seems far away, call Psalm 139.
When your faith needs stirring, call Hebrews 11.
When you are lonely and fearful, call Psalm 23.
When you grow bitter and critical, call 1 Cor. 13.
For Paul's secret to happiness, call Col. 3:12-17.
For idea of Christianity, call 1 Cor. 5:15-19.
When you feel down and out, call Romans 8:31-39.
When you want peace and rest, call Matt. 11:25-30.
When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalm 90.
When you want Christian assurance, call Romans 8:1-30.
When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121.
When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, call Psalm 67.
For a great invention/opportunity, call Isaiah 55.
When you want courage for a task, call Joshua 1.
How to get along with fellowmen, call Romans 12.
When you think of investments/returns, call Mark 10.
If you are depressed, call Psalm 27.
If your pocketbook is empty, call Psalm 37.
If you're loosing confidence in people, call 1 Cor. 13.
If people seem unkind, call John 15.
If discouraged about your work, call Psalm 126.
If you find the world growing small and yourself great, call Psalm 19.

Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary.