"What if God had an answering machine?"

This what if inspired me to head on over to the wonderful world of Google. Although this is extremely cheesy (I did NOT write it), I thought it was funny. The end is the best, for sure!

Thank you for calling My Father's House.

Please select one of the following four options:
Press 1 for requests.
Press 2 for thanksgiving.
Press 3 for complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

If you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1.
For Michael, press 2.
For any other angel, press 3."
"If you'd like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 6."
"To find out if your relative is here, enter his/her date of death and listen for the list that follows."
"For reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-o-h-n followed by the number 3-1-6."
"Answers to nagging questions about the age of the earth and where Noah's ark is, wait until you get here!"
"Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately." "This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again Monday."
End of message.

You only need to ring once and God hears you. Because of Jesus, you never get a busy signal. God takes each call and knows each caller personally.

Emergency Phone Numbers:
When in sorrow, call John 14.
When men fail you, call Psalm 27.
If you want to be fruitful, call John 15.
When you have sinned, call Psalm 51.
When you worry, call Matthew 6:19-34.
When you are in danger, call Psalm 91.
When God seems far away, call Psalm 139.
When your faith needs stirring, call Hebrews 11.
When you are lonely and fearful, call Psalm 23.
When you grow bitter and critical, call 1 Cor. 13.
For Paul's secret to happiness, call Col. 3:12-17.
For idea of Christianity, call 1 Cor. 5:15-19.
When you feel down and out, call Romans 8:31-39.
When you want peace and rest, call Matt. 11:25-30.
When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalm 90.
When you want Christian assurance, call Romans 8:1-30.
When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121.
When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, call Psalm 67.
For a great invention/opportunity, call Isaiah 55.
When you want courage for a task, call Joshua 1.
How to get along with fellowmen, call Romans 12.
When you think of investments/returns, call Mark 10.
If you are depressed, call Psalm 27.
If your pocketbook is empty, call Psalm 37.
If you're loosing confidence in people, call 1 Cor. 13.
If people seem unkind, call John 15.
If discouraged about your work, call Psalm 126.
If you find the world growing small and yourself great, call Psalm 19.

Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary.

What if I missed class?

Sorry for missing you all on Monday. I had a nagging little cold. If I had avoided getting you all sick, I probably would have grossed you out with my sniffling and coughing. I probably should have gone to the doctor on this one. However, I’m extremely stubborn and only go to the doctor if I’m bleeding at the head … which ironically happened about a month ago, but that is beside the point.


I’ve been looking forward to the “what if” assignment since the first day of class. I admit, I was one of those kids who constantly asked their parents these annoying questions. Maybe that is why my mom suggested the quiet game so often.



What if I was a boy?
What if I am dead and don't know it?
What if I dropped out of college in my last semester?
What if a rode a moose to campus tomorrow?
What if I shaved my head?
What if no one voted in the November election as a protest?
What if I was in a coma for 10 years?
What if my fiance went into a coma?
What if Oprah murdered Sarah Palin?
What if today was the last day that earth existed?

What if I found out someone I love was a spy from another planet?
What if all the art in the world completely disappeared?
What if our skin was translucent?
What if a world war started today?
What if you knew the day you were going to die?
What if people were incapable of lying?
What if cheese was made from pee instead of milk?
What if every flower in the world died?
What if I had a stalker?
What if I became a stalker?

What if Jesus walked the earth today?
What if music was illegal?
What if China blew up?
What if 9/11 was a conspiracy?
What if we could fly?
What if we are all part of a movie like The Truman Show?
What if facebook was deleted?
What if all of the continents were one big land mass?
What if reality is just an illusion?
What if eating animals were illegal?

What if Dr. Phil and Oprah were sleeping together?
What if people covered their butts when they farted just like they cover their mouths when they burp?
What if high school was the highest level of education?
What if we all made the same salary?
What if the U.S hadn't won the Revolutionary War?
What if you could erase one thing from your past?
What if you could ask God one question?
What if we loved each other the way God loves us?
What if I never find a job after graduation?
What if Walmart goes out of business?

What if we walked on our hands instead of our feet?
What if Osama Bin Laden found a cure for cancer?
What if dogs could talk to us?
What if dogs and cats cross-bred?
What if the sun never went down again?
What if IUPUI added more parking lots?
What if Microsoft went bankrupt?
What if I got arrested?
What if no one was homeless?
What if the Colts decided to leave Indianapolis?